AGs moment of the week

Keeping it simple, here is our Armchair Gurus moment of the week!



Wenger really is a sore loser which is surprising considering he has had 6 years of practice. -TG

TGs Chelsea Opinion

Thanks to big first-leg leads the only juicy game of the Champions League quarter-finals was Utd Vs Chelsea. Extra juicy as the Armchair Gurus team consists of myself, an ardent Red and MB, a loyal Blue. By now we all know the result(Man Utd winning, I repeat, Winning) but what is going on at Chelsea? Here at the Chateaux we wear our bias on our sleeves so here is TGs red-tinted evaluation of Chelsea.


I hope Chelsea don't sack Carlo. Firstly he is one of the PLs sexiest managers. Secondly, given time, he is the kind of manager who can establish a base for the next generation of Chelsea teams. Lampard, Terry, Drogba are all at the tail end of their careers so next season the team should be built around players like Luiz and yes, Torres.  My thoughts on Torres is that he is best suited to being a lone striker, it's how he has been most successful with Athletico and Liverpool, and when playing for Spain his strike partner Villa tends to play from a wide position. Talk of him leaving in the summer seems ridiculous to me but then with Roman calling the shots anything is possible.

In real life he is 'waafer theen'

I hate Frank Lampard and think he is far from world-class. But it is hard to criticise a player who consistently gets 20 goals a year from midfield. This year Frank in on 10 goals. Here are my criticisms of Frank Lampard:
-Doesn't win the ball.
-Cannot run with the ball.
-Unexeceptional passer.
-Mother is in the ground, not the sky(strictly an atheist criticism but valid nonetheless).
-Despite obviously not being fat, he is fat.

Chelsea need to start developing youth players. When the only regular home-grown player is 30 year old John Terry you know there are issues(just for comparison I count seven regular starters for Utd -Giggs,Scholes, Brown, O'Shea, Fletcher, Gibson, Evans). And Terry himself hasn't exactly been the greatest influence in recent years. Sturridge has done well on loan but will Roman accept a less-than-stellar name leading his front line? it remains to be seen. 


Chelsea have had some great success and come a long way from when Roman first arrived on the scene in his platinum plated yatch, but you cannot buy long term success, you have to build from the ground up. I hope Chelsea do, As there is nothing I enjoy more than Rubbing MBs face in another Champions League Victory over the Blues. -TG

Cult Heroes - Jose Dominguez

The English game is famous for being tough and physical and that's how we like it here at AG. But some people are born to go against the grain, to overcome obstacles even at the expense of looking a bit out of place. So we present you with the smallest player ever in the Premier League - Jose Dominguez.


Strangely for a Portuguese national, Jose began his career at Birmingham City in the old First Division. Despite Birmingham being relegated he was selected by the top brass at Sporting to replace none other than Luis Figo who had just moved to Barcelona. Although he fell short of the heights of his predecessor he moved to Spurs in 1997. He was a tricky winger with fast feet and a good burst of acceleration - also the ability to run between larger players legs or hide in long grass proved useful.


At 5'4" he was the embodiment of pluck and determination when faced with brutish English defenders. Although he was in and out of the Spurs side, he was a fan favourite during a relatively successful period - Spurs won the League Cup in 99 - and he helped to prove that there is a place for smaller, more technical players in the Premier League. -TG

Some Perspective: Dominguez, Crouch and worlds tallest player Kristof van Hout

Player of the Year - Nearly

So the PFA player of the year shortlist has been announced and the list is sparking some controversy here at the Chateaux. Sure, Nasri, Tevez, Bale, Adam, Parker, Van Der Vaart and Vidic have all had good seasons or at least good spells, but we feel there are some names that are missing so here is AGs forgotten men for this season.

Andy Carroll
At Newcastle he caused all sorts of problems with his no-nonsense physical play. Earned a January move to Liverpool becoming one of British footballs most expensive players in the process. Received his first England call-up and bagged his first international goal too. Sure there has been some off-field controversy and he has his injury problems but really it hasn't been a bad season for the big man.

Dimitar Berbatov
It's rare that the seasons top scorer doesn't get a nomination but the Bulgarian is left out despite his 22 goals. Perhaps the fact that his goals have been concentrated in a few high scoring games, including bagging 5 against Blackburn, has counted against him. Regardless it seems he has finally settled into the Manchester United team and along with Rooney and Hernandez forms a truly scary front-line.

Nani
Nominated in the young player category but probably the biggest suprise omission from the main list. Nani has the done the one thing that he most often chastised for and been consistent. 9 goals and more assists than anyone else in the league isn't enough apparently. It is probably the fact that there are still too many theatrics in his game which make him unpopular among his peers. But at least Al-Fayed likes him enough to erect a statue of him outside Craven Cottage.

David Silva
The Spaniard has enjoyed a great debut season at Eastlands showing speed and technique that makes English wingers look decidely...well, English. I thought he would be too lightweight for the league but really the only thing that has held him back this season are the sometimes unambitious tactics of Man City.

Robin Van Persie
Put simply, Van Persie is the reason that Arsenal are a great team. Without him they lack the clinical edge and drop points as a result. His return from injury saw the Gunners go from Top four probables to real title contenders. Sadly, it seems he just cannot remain fit for an entire season, but with other players on the list going through bad patches or with injury problems of their own, we don't see why he didn't deserve a nod.




So there you go. But we don't choose the list, so if I had to bet on a winner my head would say Nasri, but I'm going for the dark-horse outside gamble with none other than this man:

Carlos Tevez - TG

Sexiest Managers in Football

I will be honest with you, Mrs TG  isn't much of a sports fan, but she does seem to sit up and take notice when a handsome sportsman flashes up on the plasma(she is a very shallow woman). So here, just for those of you who appreciate the male form is a run-down of Armchair Guru's sexiest football managers.

#5 - Harry Redknapp
No, we aren't being ironic and just filling the list with mongs such as Iain Dowie and Avram Grant, Harry has earned his place at number 5. What Harry maybe lacks in conventional chiselled looks he makes up for with his 'triffic genetics. I'm no scientist but i'm lead to believe we find people attractive because they are potentially good for mating purposes. If you want your son to be good looking Harry will provide! Jamie Redknapp somehow emerged from Harry's viscera and ladies, he could do the same for you! 

#4 - Carlo Ancellotti
He's just a big cuddly teddy bear isn't he? Carlo comes across as a mans man but also has that Italian passion. not to mention the most over-active right eyebrow in the world. Since coming to Chelsea he has satisfied a crowd that has been accustomed to good looking managers, but after Mourinho they had to suffer through Big Phil Scolari and Avram Grant - this would not do, so Ancellotti was brought in to seduce the crowd. It didn't hurt that he also lead Chelsea to a Premier League and FA Cup double, but it was mainly the eyebrow.

#3 - Leonardo
Brazillians are a sexy bunch, so it is no suprise to find the new Inter Milan coach coming in at number three. Similar to Carlo Ancellotti in that Jose Mourinho had heightened expectations at Inter and Rafa Benitez just didn't have the chops(or maybe he had too many). Leonardo at 41 still maintains much of his youthfulness and is accustomed to Italian style. As an added bonus, should he need to protect his woman he has a mean elbow as this video shows.

#2 - Roberto Mancini
Few people can make a Manchester City scarf look stylish, Roberto Mancini is one of those people. The pragmatic Italian may have been criticised for his defensive approach on the pitch but when it comes to seduction Roberto is playing a 3-4-3 all out attack formation. The silver fox is the most handsome of the current Premier League managers and it seems unlikely that subjecting Tony Pulis to botox injections will change that.

#1 - Jose Mourinho
Yes, of course. Who else but the special one? The Portguese has had huge success as a manager with Porto, Chelsea and Inter Milan, and now the Galactico club Real Madrid has the Galactico manager. Mourinho matches sartorial cool with unrivalled swagger, charisma and confidence and as a combo it is hard to beat. Jose is rumoured to want a return to the Premier League so we can look forward to seeing more of our number one sexiest manager in the future.

Honourary Mention - Alan Curbishley
It would be lax of me, when discussing sexy managers, not to share a little incident that happened at the AG chateaux a few years back. MB, myself and a few others were sat down on a Saturday night to watch the highlights of the days action. when newly installed West Ham manager Alan Curbishley appeared on screen for his post match interview, MB, in a moment of obscene judgement, decided to say 'Hasn't he got nice eyes'. 

This was not the thing to say in a room full of high-powered alpha males. Using our contacts in the sports world, we promptly fired off a letter to Alan at Upton Park in which MB explained how wondrous he found Alan's eyes and declaring his availability for a little bit of man-on-man bonding. We never received a reply but West Ham suffered a bad run of form and each week Alan was looking more worse for wear. MB had obviously awakened a longing within Alan and it was affecting his work.

Shortly after, Alan resigned as West Ham manager citing board interference. We know the truth. Mr Curbishley has not managed a team since. We are sorry Alan. -TG

Budgetburn Rovers

The Venkys have caused quite a stir since they moved in at Ewood Park. They have wasted no time in trying to usurp Mike Ashley as the Premier Leagues most fowl owners. Sacking Sam Allardyce and appointing Steve Kean has not gone down well with the Ewood Park faithful. The Venkys are already known for making outlandish claims and predictions, the strangest of which is that they expect to be a top 5 team but will only give the poultry sum of £5m to the manager to achieve this. 


Well I say move over Steve Kean, this is a job for TG. If it is big-big savings you want then I am your man. Plucked purely from the January transfer window,  here is my top five Premier League team for  just £1.6m. That's right, £3.4m that can be spared for a marquee signing such as Ronaldinho, Pele or Eusebio. Or it could go towards the inevitable payoffs following managerial sackings. Either way, it's cheaper than a chicken drumstick.


GK - Ricardo - free - Proven experience between the sticks, 80 international caps and he doesn't need gloves for penalties - Another saving!
DF - Lubo Michalik - free - Another international with premier league experience from his days at Bolton.
DF - Darren Purse - free - you won't need to open you Purse here. Uncompromising defender and natural leader.
DF - Danny Shittu - free - Solid, strong international defender with frankly one of the best names in football if you are twelve years old.
DF - Pascal Chimbonda - free - Great attacking full back, will definitely ask for a transfer after one season so guaranteed profit! - $$$
MF - Malvin Kamara -free - OK he has one cap for Sierra Leone but he is still an international player.
MF - Alan Gow -free - Tricky attacking player who just needs the right motivator(TG) to shine.
MF - Kenny Miller - £400k - OK so I'm opening the chequebook for the first time here with Kenny Miller. Given service he scores. It's simple. International experience and silverware in Scotland. Not bad for £400k.
MF - Marc Bridge-Wilkinson -free - Reliable wide man. If you read our article on Chris Marsden you will know that some players star will burn brightest at the end of their career and Marc is a candidate for that category.
ST - Matty Fryatt - £1.2m - OK, OK, I'm being a bit decadent here. Fryatt is the classic form-player. He will have his lean spells but then he will go on a blitz. He is a player that can give a team momentum, and being the heartless football-management machine that I am, as soon as he gets 15 goals he will be dropped instantly knowing that he may well offer little else for the remainder of the season.
ST- Steffan Iversen - free - The classic target man, Norwegian international and with a bulging trophy cabinet to boot(including a league cup medal from his Spurs days).


Now this doesn't take into account any loan signings, or transfers with undisclosed fees, or Blackburn's existing playing staff(some of who may be marginally better than Malvin Kamara or Marc Bridge-Wilkinson) and i think you will agree it would waltz into the top four. So Venkys, when it's time for Steve Kean to fly the coup, you know who you need to call(reverse charges of course) to deliver your budget dream team. TG of Armchair Gurus.

Cult Heroes - Facundo Sava

What do you do if you aren't a very good centre forward but wish to be remembered fondly by the fans? Simple - make every goal you score as memorable as possible with a trademark celebration. Enter the masked Argentine - Facundo Sava. After beginning his career in his homeland at Ferro Carril Oeste he then moved to Boca Juniors and Gimnasia. It was at Gimnasia that he attracted the attention of Fulham. He arrived for £2m in 2002.


Whenever the striker hit the back of the net he would pull down his sock and extract a mask in which he would bask in the glory of his fans. Sava claimed that he was sent over 250 masks from fans but unfortunately he only ever scored 130 career goals. Here at the AG Chateaux we have been combing ebay for the leftovers but sadly searching for 'Sava mask' only yields a crime novel called 'Behind The Mask - a true story of obsession and a savage genius'. The reviews are generally poor.


At Fulham he made 27 appearances but managed to score only six goals(He didn't don the mask when he scored an own goal in the UEFA Cup against Hertha Berlin). But what Sava lacked in goals he made up for with personality. Who doesn't want Zorro playing for their club? He got the fans involved and to this day the supporters at Craven Cottage can not veil their fondness for him. After a spell in the Spanish second division, Sava returned to Argentina and eventually ended his career back at his first club. -TG

Hot Topic: Arsenal and Mental Toughness

Bonjour, Hola, Hello, although maybe bonjour is all that's necessary for this particular hot topic... MB here to talk a little about mental toughness and the enigma that is Arsenal FC.

Unlike TG(known for his mental fortitude and never-look-back mentality), I am not a mentally strong person. I find that minor changes or failings take me a while to recover from. Therefore, I can relate to Arsenal in their 5 year long thirst for silverware, which looks like it will last at least another season...

One thing that will obviously be called into question is the youth element. Arsenal are a young team and although they are incredibly talented youngsters, do they have the strength to push through when a team mate is horrifically injured (a la Eduardo? Aaron Ramsey?) or the belief that next time will be their time when losing a cup final (Birmingham 2011)?

It doesn't seem so, both incidents set Arsenal in a steady decline in which Arsene Wenger's oft-distracted eyes complained about wreckless challenges to most recently – fixture congestion and too many games on a Sunday!?

Could it possibly be the old man himself? Unlike the steely character of determination that is Sir Alex Ferguson, or the siege mentality master that is Jose Mourinho, Arsene Wenger is more an aloof intellectual, a man of witty remarks and at times great sarcastic actions (Think of him being sent to the stands at Old Trafford). But can you imagine him truly administering the hair dryer treatment or coming across as anything but a perverse old man if trying to pull the 'arm round the shoulder' trick?

Arsenal play fantastic football, without question, at times they have been criticised for too many short passes and too few long balls and long range shots. One dimensional. However, at the beginning of the season, we seem to see a refreshed, rejuvinated Arsenal, able to play the ball quickly and score goals. Beating some of the teams which we used to write Arsenal off against – The Stokes, Boltons and Blackburn's of the Premier League. Hell, they even beat Chelsea last year!

But still they fail against the likes of Newcastle and West Brom (at home)...

Arsenal's problems are long and numerous. Mental strength is clearly something which needs focusing on. I do not believe Cesc Fabregas to be a great leader, Arsenal need more of a Roy Keane or Patick Vieira type figure, not a lead by example man (not that Vieira or Roy didn't lead by example too!). Arsenal need a player to slap them round the face when their manager is unable to do so... unfortunately I fear the only slap Cesc will be delivering is his future transfer to Barcelona. But we shall see.


Having said all that about mental strength, if Arsenal could simply keep the majority of their team fit or use a more diverse set of tactics then maybe, just maybe, they might win some silverware again. But until that time, I guess we should thank them for beautiful football, 'Everyone thinks they have the prettiest wife at home', and Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp and Freddie Ljungberg (for the ladies). And finally for bringing back the beautiful, crazy, unashamed German that is Jens Lehmann

Yes. That is him pissing in the middle of a football match – It's ok – He's only the fucking goalkeeper!


MB

Cult Heroes - Chris Marsden

Here at Armchair Gurus we love a baldy and really they don't get much more bald than Chris Marsden. The left-winger first came to widespread attention at Southampton - at the  tender age of 30. Marsden had been something of a journeyman in the lower leagues starting at Sheffield United and moving to Huddersfield, Wolves, Notts County, Coventry, Stockport and Birmingham before finally reaching the Premier League with the saints in 1999.


One of the greatest injustices of modern sporting competition is that 'the bald Beckenbauer' never got the chance to solve the perrenial england left-winger problem. His quality at crosses could have transformed Emile Heskey from donkey-number-one to a Lineker-esque goal machine - it's no coincidence that James Beattie's best form and England call-up coincided with CMFGs(Chris Marsden Football Genius) finest years.


Marsden captained Southampton in the 2003 FA Cup final, but sadly the shine was taken off the day as his aerodynamic properties were not enough to prevent defeat to Arsenal. He scored one of the All-time-great-goals against Ipswich which you can see below as a gleaming example of the best left-winger England never had. -TG

John Terry – Captain Fantastic?

Welcome to Armchair Gurus. MB and TG here to take you through the current hot topic - John Terry and the England captaincy. First up in favour of the move is our very own Blue, MB.


Captain Fantastic.
Some of you will think of John Terry as a tireless leader and others of you will think of him as... well... I'll let my fellow armchair guru, TG, discuss that.

John Terry is both an inspiration on the pitch and a genuine badass. A man who will literally put his body on the line for his team. Sure, his pace has been lacking the last few years but JT makes up for that with a knack for being in the right place at the right time and having a head made of pure concrete. 

JT missed that champions league final penalty... A penalty which sent me into a rage, I punched a wheelie bin, pulled some wallpaper off the wall and generally became an angry boozed up ass. But he has never said after that it didn't make a difference. John Terry has said that the moment plays on his mind everyday. Regardless of what else you think about him, I far prefer that brave, upfront honesty to the cocky nature of Cristiano Ronaldo. 

Think about this:

Nani gets challenged and stays down, screaming for a bit and maybe crying a few crocodile tears.

John Terry stays down for longer than 30 seconds and shows clear signs of being in pain.

How often do you see these things?

John Terry is an honest, hard working footballer. And sure, his private life isn't that honest nor is it something to be discussed within a blog about sport. I don't believe in celebrity stardom or fame and I feel it unfair to judge someone about their private life when it should remain as such.
Finally, John Terry is a winner. A big game player. A man who rallies his troops. 3 premiership wins, 4 FA cups, 2 league cups, PFA player of the year (2006) and European defender of the year (2006).

Welcome back Captain. - MB


TG - I can't be having any of that!


Now, it should be made clear that I support Manchester United so John Terry is not on my 'all-time-footballing-heroes-that-maybe-are-the-second-coming-of-Jesus' list. Is he a good defender? -Yes. Should he be an england regular? - Yes, probably. Do I like it when he takes penalties in champions league finals...oh lawdy mama yes, yes, yes!


Here's the thing; this is a debate that we at the Chateaux have been having for a long time. Long before JTs matinee idol good looks and Byronesque charms got him in hot water. Put simply, his record as England captain is terrible. 


Who was captain during the farcical reign under Steve McClaren, when England's so called 'golden generation' failed to even qualify for Euro 2008? That's right, our man JT. Some may point out that he was injured for some of the qualifying campaign, but isn't unreliability due to injury why Rio Ferdinand is being replaced? You can't tell me a fully fit Rio wouldn't make the starting XI. 


Terry is a good captain for Chelsea but as the local boy come good he cannot do wrong there. Terry openly criticised Capello during the world cup and has done little to endear himself to fans or fellow players with his off-field shenanigans.


But we can agree on one thing. Here at the Chateaux we love comitted defending and it doesn't get much better than when someone is willing to summon the spirit of a salmon in order to get his face on the ball(although he didn't block it so I can only assume that if he were indeed a salmon natural selection would have seen to it that he would have been eaten by a bear).





Let us know what you think, we love disregarding other people's opinions so what is your take on the Captain Fantastic debate?